Stop Making Your Life Harder
Hi! My name is Coach Jimmy and I am coming to you live from Dallas, Texas. Today we are talking about self sabotage. So I am not sure what it is that you’re trying to build right now, what it is that you are actually striving for. If you’re a budding entrepreneur trying to start that podcast or create that eBook or write that online course. Maybe you’re like me and you’re a part a home business where you have to build a team and help them have a success while you’re having success at the same time. Maybe you’re an artist trying to write that screenplay or produce that musical. I don’t know what it is that you’re here for, but I know that you clicked in because you have something burning in your gut that you want to do more of, that you know down deep you are called to do more than you’re currently doing right now and I applaud you because that was me.
Before getting involved in business only…nearly nine years ago, I found myself as a 100 lbs overweight, 3 time college dropout that was living back at home with my parents in my early 20’s, but I knew I was supposed to be doing something bigger than that. In 3rd grade, my third grade class got to do a Christmas musical for the entire elementary school and my part of this class were picked to do a musical number called “Too Fat for the Chimney” talking about how Santa Claus was too fast for the chimney, and my buddy Justin was picked to be Santa. Which was funny because he was the skinniest kid in class and they wrapped him up in a pillow and so he could fill that out and he and the rest of my friends, who were dressed up as like Jane Fonda’s 1980’s headbands and leg warmers, were doing a cardio number up stage. Helping Santa get fit. You know boom boom.
Yours truly put on this full onesey, feety pajamas with the drop bottom out of the butt of the pajamas and I had to go down to the front of the stage and sing a solo called “Too Fat for the Chimney” and it was funny. In that moment, this really insecure obese child that came from a broken home, I knew immediately what I was supposed to do the rest of my life and that was be on stage and perform.
Find Your Passion
And it’s funny because when you realize what you want to do in life and you find your passion, there is something super enlightening about that and that’s something that’s scary as hell about it because for me, I knew I was supposed to be on stage. I knew I was supposed to perform. I knew I was supposed elicit an emotional response from an audience. Yet it terrified me because I hated the shell that I was in.
I didn’t have a lot of confidence.
I was a very awkward, obese, heavy child.
I remember going into college wanted to perform and the very first time I ever got on stage to try to audition for a show, I literally had a physical leg twitch. My leg would do this do while I was trying to perform or trying to do my monologue. So sometimes we know exactly what it is we are suppose to do yet we don’t do it and then some cases we’re our own worst enemy.
We are talking about self sabotage today. It’s that classic you know two steps forward, three steps back and this morning…what made me think I wanted to talk about this is that I am reading this book right here by Steven Pressfield. The first one was called “The War of Art” and I really highly recommend that for anybody trying to create something, but the second one, let’s see if I can get the glare off there, is called “Turning Pro”.
Addiction and Resistance
And I just wanted to read a quick little snippet. They’re really short pages so bear with me here. It’s called “Resistance and Addiction” and I just thought there is so many of us that self-sabotage so listen to this and let me know if you can relate with this in any way.
“The pre-addictive individual so with no addictions, i.e. you and I when we were young, experiences a calling to art or service or to an honorable sacrifice. In other words, we experience positive aspirations. A vision of a higher real life self we might become. The imitation of this calling is followed immediately by resistance.”
So we have this calling to do something great and it’s immediately met with some kind of resistance. Fear, self doubt and self sabotage. So you have been called to do something, you know you were supposed to do something great, you get excited about it, and the minute you want to go step into a direction to pursue that, to create that, to do that thing that you know that’s in your gut to do, fear, self doubt, and self sabotage.
Steven Pressfield goes on to say, “What makes this moment so precarious is that most of us are unconscious in the event of both our aspirations and our resistance. We’re asleep. We only know that something is wrong and we don’t know how to fix it.”
So when you’re called to do something greater than yourself, when you have to build something or create something, all of a sudden there is going to be a discomfort within you because you know where you are is not where you are supposed to be anymore. That’s a real uncomfortable feeling. It can be exciting to think about what you are called to do, but it’s also very, very uncomfortable.
And it says, “We only know that something is wrong and we don’t know how to fix it. We’re restless.” So let me know if any of this sounds like you. You know you’re supposed to build something, you know you are supposed to do something great. “You’re restless, we are bored, we are angry.”
So we talked about anger this week already.
“We burn to accomplish something great, but we don’t know where to begin. Even if we did, we would be so terrified that we couldn’t take a step.”
I’m going to read that sentence again because I think that 90% of the people out there that were trying to do something. You know you are supposed to do something great.
“We burn to accomplish something great, but we don’t know where to begin and even if we did, we’d be so terrified that we still couldn’t take a step.”
We couldn’t get started. We overthink it. We don’t know where to start. We have this great big mountain of an idea, of a passion, of something we are supposed to do, and we don’t know where we are supposed to go.
So, “We are so terrified that we couldn’t take a step, enter a drink, a lover, or a habit.” So paint the picture here. There is something in your gut, there is something in your soul that says I am supposed to create this course, I am supposed to be an entrepreneur, I am supposed to write that song, I am supposed to write the screenplay, I am supposed to join that home business and build a big team of people improving themselves, but you don’t know where to start. You know you are supposed to do something, but you don’t know where to start and you are so paralyzed, but you are uncomfortable so you need to move somewhere. So enter a drink which could be alcohol, it could be drug addiction, and it could be any kind of substance abuse. A lover and in his other book he talks about that ways to distract yourselves, and he literally talked about sex as being a distraction.
“Addiction replaces aspiration. The quick fix wins out over the long slow haul.” – Steven Pressfield
We’ll get real real this morning. People like go dive into affairs or maybe it’s even like with their partner or their spouse or whatever like it’s a distraction. It’s something to do that’s a physical exertion, but that it keeps you from doing the work because they become kind of wrapped up in this…maybe it’s an affair, maybe it’s just an emotional affair, maybe it’s just you know chatting with the individual online or somehow getting that affirmation of being desired from that.
So or a habit, you know some other probably an unhealthy habit.
I will tell you really honestly, when I was building my business and I would run into walls or I would run into like been just stuck, I would go take these really long naps. I would go hide and sleep. I would tell myself I need a break from doing this and we are not talking about 20 minutes power naps. I would go like take two hour, two hour naps and just go do something else.
Your cell phone could be that distraction and earlier when he says like a lover or something I am not saying like don’t have sex or don’t have romantic encounters and stuff, but there are ways that you can get so obsessed in that or chasing that, that it’s a way not to do the work.
And he says, I am going to wrap and he says, “Addiction replaces aspiration. The quick fix wins out over the long slow haul.”
So any of these you know booze, drugs, sex, a habit. Any of the things that you could go do is get a quick fix. You can get a temporary endorphin release or feeling important or feeling accomplished somehow and it’s a way to hide behind showing up every day and doing the work.
And if you miss what this is, I am reading from this book called, “Turning Pro” by Steven Pressfield. I highly recommend starting with his first book “The War of Art”, but they are both equally small reads and they are awesome. I mean they just changed my world.
My History With Self Sabotaging
So just think about what it is that you’ve self sabotaged. For me in the past, I will be really honest with you, it’s been alcohol. For those of you that don’t know me or are new to my world, I had a pretty embarrassing public drunken situation last July. I work with the company that I’ve decided to partner with and be my business partner is Beachbody. The INSANITY, P90X people, and stuff and we have a big Summit once a year and I went this year and it was in Nashville and the first night there, I went out and it’s kind of a celebratory mood and just a day drink turned into four o’clock in the morning and getting punched in the face.
It’s funny because I look back at that and I don’t…I made this big post and kind of said, “I am an alcoholic and stuff,” and the more I look at it, I really don’t have alcoholic tendencies. It’s not like I sit at home and drink or anything like that. What I found is, I was chasing after the feeling of feeling important. So for me, it would be going and sitting on a patio and day drinking or something where I could interact with other people or buy people rounds of drinks or somehow feel important.
That was a way for me to escape and that particular night, or day into night, that’s exactly what happened. It was just a matter of not wanting to go back to my room. It was a matter of I needed the party to keep going because I continued to need to feel that instant gratification that we’re talking about in this book. That self-sabotage thing of why did I need to…because something in me didn’t feel important or didn’t feel validated so I needed to be around other people to either somebody to know pet me and tell me I’m pretty or I could feel important because I had started making this money and I can buy my buddies round of drinks or they were my peers in my business, and so that’s what it was and it was every time one group decided, “Oh, we’re done,” instead of just shutting it down and say, “Okay, well we had a couple of drink by the pool.”
It was just a matter of not wanting to go back to my room. I needed the party to keep going because I was so addicted to that feeling of feeling important.
I was so addicted to that feeling of feeling important and being in the cool kids club because you got to think look at my history, coming from a broken home, feeling pulled between two families, an obese child, feeling really trapped, self conscious so there’s always been that desire as a child for me to be accepted. To be in that cool kids club, stuff that I never was in growing up. And so I wanted to keep that…and so I look at it now. I’ve lost a 100 lbs, I’ve kept it off over 10 years, I’ve had an acting career, I still have off and on a modeling career, you would think, “Oh, Jimmy, you’ve made it into the Cool Kids Club! You’ve been in DVD’s like INSANITY and PiYO. Jimmy you’re in the Cool Kids Club all the time now. I see the people you run around with and you have…”
I am really blessed with some of my friends and the people that I run around with, but it’s funny how I still…that desire is still there at times. That need to just like, “Hey, I need to go somewhere…” and sometimes it’s like go somewhere and be around strangers.
It’s really funny like be around strangers and somehow feel important because I am getting attention from them. Man, this is about as transparent as I can be with you guys. I didn’t know that I was going to go this route with this today, but this is why I jump on it. I just jumped on and share with you guys.
Find the Root
And so I don’t know what yourself sabotage is, but before you just go, “Oh, I am addicted to drugs or sex or I have an alcohol problem,” I am going to encourage you to dig a little deeper and see what the pattern is.
So I told you about the pattern of…when I was building my website for the very first time before you could just hire someone to build a blog. This was 5 years ago. I was in digging in and building that thing and I would just need to do the work, but instead of doing the work, I would go take a nap or I would go do something else to distract myself. So think about what it is…what is that thing that when you’re supposed to sit down and you know that thing!
So number one, you already know the burning thing you were supposed to be doing right now and don’t say you don’t, because you do. You’re supposed to join the home business and be a coach or build team or you are supposed to write that eBook or you are supposed to start that podcast or you are supposed to write that song or build that thing. And you know the steps that…so a lot of people some people hide behind knowledge.
They’re going to buy one more course, and I am not saying that buying a course is a bad thing, but you know the types and maybe you are that. They buy all the courses, they go to all the events, but they never activate anything. I had people spend 3 hours with me on Saturday morning that went through my training and sadly, the majority of those people will have left after 3 hours with all the knowledge that they need to build a 7 figure business, because I laid it all out. I laid out how I built mine and they are never going to take any action with it.
They are going to feel like they did something. Again, it’s that endorphin release. The same endorphin release we get when we drink, sex, drugs, attention, relationship, whatever! You’re going to feel like you did something because you got to that course, you got to that event, but…and you do realize that the same endorphins you release when you get excited about something or you have an idea for something are the same endorphins in your brain that release when you actually do and accomplish something.
So for example, I have a men’s event coming up in May and the tickets are going really fast and it’s for men entrepreneurs. Specifically those in my business and if you want more information about that you can go to TrainingCampEvent.com. Tickets are going quickly. Gary Vaynerchuk is our key note speaker along with Bo Eason and what’s going to happen?
We had this event last year and it’s funny because I just started putting the guys into a small Facebook group and story after story, “I was there last year. I got really excited. I haven’t done anything with my business yet.”
I even warned them about that at the event. “You’re going to feel like a bad ass leaving this event. You are going to feel like you have done something and you have gained some knowledge, but you haven’t done anything yet. You haven’t done anything.” So it’s like when I talked about when you get motivated or excited or when you learn something new, you need to go put it into action immediately because if not, you are going to self sabotage. So sometimes, your self sabotage is in, “I am going to get the next course, I am going to buy one more book before I…”
They’re going to feel like they did something. Just because you got to the end of a one week doesn’t mean that you get to go super celebrate.
But you know what? I have to go…the minute I learn something, I go activate it. I go put it into practice. I go…you have to be willing to go mess it up. You have to be willing to go fail. I told the people on my training, “The first people to go mess this up, to just go try what I did and totally jack it up, they are going to win. Because that’s the only way you get better.”
And any of these self-sabotage things that we are talking about, you have to…you have to go take action. You have to get beyond that because if not, you are going to totally always take three steps forward, two steps back or to 2 steps forward three steps back, and you are going to look up a month from now…it’s like the person that loses 3 pounds and puts on 2 and loses 5 pounds and puts on 7 because they get to the end of the week and they’ve had a good week and they’re like, “I’ve earned it!” and they go out and have this big bender of a meal before they’ve really they really earned it.
Just because you got to the end of a one week doesn’t mean that you get to go super celebrate. Find a little way to celebrate whether that’s in your business or the thing you’re building or in your weight loss or whatever you are doing, but put together 30 good days. Put together 30 good days and give yourself something to celebrate. That way when you do, you’re not going to be in danger of getting back into that negative cycle again.
So now, I have to be really conscious if I am going to go out and celebrate or have a drink with buddies and stuff I really…and yes. I still do that for those that are curious, but I have to be really aware of what I am doing.
So what is it? You got identify with the self sabotagers. Look for the pattern. So for me in this situation I was telling about, I looked at the pattern.
When was the last time I got that blitzed out of my head?
When was the last time I did that thing where I feel…and usually when you get into that self sabotage thing, it’s whatever that thing is like after you do it, then you spend a day feeling guilty and beating yourself up about it. It happens over and over and over again.
Then we have to identify what triggers it. Is there a pattern? Is there a pattern of this self sabotage? Is there a pattern of, “Wow. Every time I do this, I go do that.”
Be Willing to Grow
For me, that’s what I had to stop and say, “Okay, my wife is like, ‘Do you want to get rid of the booze in the house?'” and I was like, “Well, I don’t really drink at home.” I got… look, dude, I got whisky right there in my office. I never touch that. I don’t drink it. The stuff at home is like when people come over and so I was like, “Well, but that’s not the pattern. It’s not me sneaking drinks or drinking alone and stuff. This happens when I am feeling really awesome about myself. When I am feeling pretty bulletproof. When I am around peers of mine…” and that’s where I to had to start this and I had some therapy and some people that helped me.
If you guys don’t follow Dr Mcayla Sarno, she is awesome. She is awesome. Just Google Dr Mcayla, she is on Periscope. She is everywhere. She helped me realize a lot of this and I was willing to go get help. That’s another part of that. Sometimes you’re going to need to go get help to get past whatever the self…if you’re really serious about doing the thing that you say you want to do. Building the business, starting the podcast, writing the eBook, starting the home business. I don’t know what it is for you, but if you are really serious and you keep self sabotaging, you are going to need to find a way past it and sometimes you are going to need help doing that.
Sometimes you are going to need somebody else that you’re accountable to. That maybe you text and you say, “I did it again,” or “I am tempted to,” or “I know I need to get XYZ done to move me closer to my goal, but I want to do A, B, and C,” and if you ask for that person in your life, you have to give them permission to push. You have to give them permission to call you on your shit. You have to give them permission. You can’t get mad when they do. You are going to get your feelings hurt, but if you are going to put some support in your life and you are going to put some accountability in your life then you can’t be mad when it activates. You can’t be mad when it activates.
I just thought this was a really, really interesting topic today because I think so many of us self sabotage in so many different ways. Some people can self sabotage with booze. some people can self sabotage with ice cream. Some people can self-sabotage with sleep. Some people can self sabotage in learning mode. Some people can self sabotage with other relationships or dating or I don’t know.
Usually 9 times out of 10, it’s you trying to get a quick fix or to feel that thing that you would actually feel if you went and did the work. If you went and did the work and built the thing you’re supposed to build, but it’s so much easier to do this quick fix thing. It’s so much easier to throw the band-aid on. It’s so much easier to scratch the itch quickly instead of long term with this.
So thank you for jumping in. This is how you can help out. This is what I want to know from you. In the comments, I want to know what it is. If you are willing to be really bold, I have been really honest with you, how do you self sabotage? I would really love to know that because I want to help you to get past that and the more ways we can identify ways people self sabotage, then the more ways we can help other people because if you voice it and somebody goes, “Oh, that person struggles too.” Then they don’t feel alone anymore.
Then they don’t feel like they are the only ones because right now somebody self-sabotages and they think they are the only one that struggles with that. They’re the only one. Somebody said Netflix. Absolutely. An afternoon of Game of Thrones or whatever show that you’re into, that’s a way to hide. That’s a way to avoid doing the work.
So thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for allowing me to be honest with you as well. Until next time, my name is Coach Jimmy and let’s get it done.